Miscarriage me into Worry

I am a young, 27-year-old eagerly attempting to have my first child. I had my first miscarriage at the age of 25 and did not start trying again until 6 months ago. I know the first trimester is always worrisome for every woman especially with her first child, but it always hits me the same. A loss is a loss.

After getting over the loss of yet another half of a year of eagerly trying with my husband, I look for a cause. Is it an autoimmune disorder? Are my husband and I not chromatically compatible? Do I have a hyper-thyroid? Maybe I don't have enough progesterone.

And now on to the tests. My uterus looks fine. My fallopian tubes are intact. Everything under-the-hood is a-okay. Now onto more blood work to find the culprit to this mysterious undoing of nature.

Chaos and order

So I haven’t completely figured it out; I’m actually not even close, but I do have a good start. Life is chaos and order; I don’t know which comes first and if one causes the other, but I do know it goes in and out of those two. It may be more of a circle but definitely goes around and about those two unpredictable yet predictable elements. They hover over my head like a storm ready to erupt when the pressure becomes too much to bare. However, that leads me to the other two elements governing my life: fear and comfort. These might come in response to the forces of uncertainty or they might stand on their own. Let me take this down to earth as I walk inside and sit to explore the source, the cause, and the reaction, whichever comes first.
I just ran about four miles, possibly an attempt to find some type of order or possibly my reaction to the pressure building. In my life, I do have a boyfriend. I do have a family of seven. And I am familiar with alcohol, in just about every sense of it. Yes, alcohol is alive and has more sense then humans can possibly count. It gets way too much credit for the events of this universe; and just knowing that, shows its power.
Back to the first interaction of my day, where I unfortunately see both uncertainties collide. I end my run early so that I can kiss my lover good bye, but knew the scenario could go any direction.
“Why didn’t you take the dog?” he asks as I grab some water.
“Because I did yesterday, and sometimes I like to run without the dog tearing my arm off,” I said.
“Why did I even get you a dog?” he begins to erupt.
Hmmm, because you were trying to make up for all the shit you put me through. I wanted to say but didn’t; instead, I said “then get rid of the fuckin dog.” I replied
Now anyone knows that a gift of a dog is more than just a gift of a dog. When you are dating with some one a dog means commitment; it means assurance; and it means a step closer to a happy-ever-after family. So I knew I was meaning more than just get rid of the dog.
Maybe we should begin in the beginning where my universe began to tilt; where my universe became a pull and push and the only way to keep afloat was to follow the forces.

Restless in Seattle

You go to bed excited to end the day so that tomorrow will be better. Well to tell you the truth, I am with the most amazingly quirky guy and seemingly satsified with the life we have built together; however, it seems there is a glitch in my programming. We have been through it all together, the beginning was on rocks which new relationships can oftentimes be, when we are both paddling through the murkiness of our intentions and seriousness of the relationship. Things moved quicker than we both anticipated, I fell head over heels, then had to come to terms with the idea of being involved with an alcoholic/drug addict. Well, I guess you can say I had the best of a crummy situation, given he used coke occasionally, weed regularly, and alcohol in excess quite often. However, sometime, don't ask me how, he quit smoking weed (to my knowledge) stopped sleeping with other girls, and went to AA. So basically things look good. I know those in my shoes are saying, HELL NO RUN WHILE YOU HAVE A CHANCE, well I've been with him going on three years and he has good intentions with me. I know he wants the best for himself which is the life we have made so far. We live in a house together and he has a job that pays over 70K so it seems hopeful. I know there are always relapses and he has been drinking again but really I can't blame him for my restlessness.

No matter what he does, to make me the most happiest girl alive, which he does, I still want more. I know this is good to an extent because I am currently getting my masters in education and aspire to teach high school English while paying 30K for tuition myself. I can be proud, but honestly I want more. Before I had the hunt for boys to feel this void, or before that it was running marathons, and now its just I sit down after working my ass off all day and have to get right back up again. Don't know what this is all about but for some reason I CAN'T RELAX unless I have a really good orgasim but thats about all that will do it.

Before, it was easy to blame my man's drug/alcohol problems for the chaos in my mind but really I always feel like I am just as guilty as wanting to peace out of this world and RELAX. He's out of town tonight so I'll probably go out with a guy friend just because I can. If he were home, no sereebob. So really I can't blame him for his poor judgement or problems because believe me if I could not care so much and drink until I was drunk or smoke a bowl and not feel bad I WOULD!