Restless in Seattle

You go to bed excited to end the day so that tomorrow will be better. Well to tell you the truth, I am with the most amazingly quirky guy and seemingly satsified with the life we have built together; however, it seems there is a glitch in my programming. We have been through it all together, the beginning was on rocks which new relationships can oftentimes be, when we are both paddling through the murkiness of our intentions and seriousness of the relationship. Things moved quicker than we both anticipated, I fell head over heels, then had to come to terms with the idea of being involved with an alcoholic/drug addict. Well, I guess you can say I had the best of a crummy situation, given he used coke occasionally, weed regularly, and alcohol in excess quite often. However, sometime, don't ask me how, he quit smoking weed (to my knowledge) stopped sleeping with other girls, and went to AA. So basically things look good. I know those in my shoes are saying, HELL NO RUN WHILE YOU HAVE A CHANCE, well I've been with him going on three years and he has good intentions with me. I know he wants the best for himself which is the life we have made so far. We live in a house together and he has a job that pays over 70K so it seems hopeful. I know there are always relapses and he has been drinking again but really I can't blame him for my restlessness.

No matter what he does, to make me the most happiest girl alive, which he does, I still want more. I know this is good to an extent because I am currently getting my masters in education and aspire to teach high school English while paying 30K for tuition myself. I can be proud, but honestly I want more. Before I had the hunt for boys to feel this void, or before that it was running marathons, and now its just I sit down after working my ass off all day and have to get right back up again. Don't know what this is all about but for some reason I CAN'T RELAX unless I have a really good orgasim but thats about all that will do it.

Before, it was easy to blame my man's drug/alcohol problems for the chaos in my mind but really I always feel like I am just as guilty as wanting to peace out of this world and RELAX. He's out of town tonight so I'll probably go out with a guy friend just because I can. If he were home, no sereebob. So really I can't blame him for his poor judgement or problems because believe me if I could not care so much and drink until I was drunk or smoke a bowl and not feel bad I WOULD!